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Gangs, drive-by shootings, drug
sales... where does it end.
Why does it begin.
Parents, peers, caring adults,
informed children are all part of the tapestry that will reduce and hopefully
eliminate children killing children.
What can parents do to keep
themselves and their children safe?
Recognize that any child from any
family of any educational social or professional background can be a victim or
perpetrator of violence. Too many parents overlook the fact that their child
could be the child who is harming others.
Parents need to know what is
happening in their children's schools and with their children's friends.
Contrary to your child's
objections, you need to know who your child befriends, you need to know where your children are
going and you need to know when your children are coming home. This will not
keep your child safe from harm 24 -7 but it will let you and your child know that
limits are important and will be honored in your household.
Children who are violent have been exposed
to violence in some way. That violence could be in the home, at school, in the community. If your child believes that violence is the only option or the preferred
option - your child and your
household is in trouble.
Monitor what your children watch on
television and the games they play. If the games are disturbing - it is your
right and responsibility as a parent to express concern and to do the best you
can to determine what's going on with this child. It is not okay to write it
off as simply he or she is going through a phase.
If your child seems to be
particularly UNaffected by events that would ordinarily be considered disturbing,
it is important to pay attention.
It is strongly suggested that you consider taking your child to a mental
health professional - it is important to understand what is happening with your
child.
If your child seems unable to
regulate his/her emotions this too could suggest a need for clinical intervention.
The ability to harm someone comes
from many places. However the experience of not feeling important, not being
heard, being ignored, not having options - in varying degrees of combination - depending on the individual, can result in violence.
The child who routinely resorts to
violent threats or abusive language , or is exposed to violent threats or
abusive language could be in trouble.
Be clear with your child that this is not acceptable behavior. Do all
that you can to ensure that you are not modeling threatening or abusive
behavior.
The child who is using substances (and they are starting younger and
younger these days) is a prime candidate for violence.
The notion that you tried it when you were a kid, or that "all kids
try drugs" can no longer be the comfort zone you used to allow it to be.
Pay attention to the potential for drug use. Have your child tested if you
believe there is an issue. Talk with your child's counselors. Take your child
to the doctor for regular
physicals.
If the company your child keeps disturbs you - pay attention.
This can often feel like a fine line to cross as you struggle to know the
difference between your child making troublesome choices and "kids being
kids". Take the time to talk to your child and your child's friends as
this will help you begin to get a sense of the difference. Talk with their
parents. Know whom your child spends time with and is influenced by and pay
attention to your instincts.
If a child does not have friends - this is an important and disturbing
sign that your child may be trouble. Children who feel isolated often
experience depression (among other things). Do not assume that your child's
sadness is "just a phase". Pay very careful attention to your
isolated child. Try to engage them in talk. Learn your child and how he/she
feels. If the child's depressed mood persists more than two weeks or if the
quality of the depression seems to far outweigh the identified stressor(s)
during a shorter period of time, or you are unable to identify a stressor - Get
help for your child now.
If your child exhibits a preoccupation with weapons there IS a
problem.
It is important to explore this carefully and continually with your
child. If you routinely keep guns in your home, do everything you know to do
and then just a little more to KEEP YOUR WEAPONS AWAY FROM YOUR CHILD. Consider
removing your weapons from the house. Weapons and children just don't mix.
Period.
If your child "enjoys" being cruel to animals, there is a problem.
This child is in trouble. Get help. Today.
If your child routinely has little/no supervision, difficulties are bound
to arise. Today's world is often very complicated and many parents are unable
to provide the one on one interaction with a child that they would like. If you
are one of these parents, think about your options. Is there an after school
program, a relative, a mentor? Is there someone who can provide your child the
contact he/she needs and deserves? Think about the
times when you have been lonely and multiply that by a million that is often
what unsupervised children experience. Children need and benefit from
supervision and attention.
If you/your child are experiencing violence in the home,
This is a critical indicator that your child is more likely to become a
victim of his/her own rage. Talk to your child constantly and do all you can to
GET AWAY FROM THE VIOLENCE. Violence does not make a child stronger. It makes a
child more vulnerable.
There are many ways to neglect a child. You can be in the home and
neglect your children. Don't do this. Many parents learn to listen to their
child with one ear while focusing on something else. Bad decision. Try to have
family meeting at least weekly. Know what is happening in your child's life. In
addition to the fact that child neglect is a crime you may be creating a child
filled with pain and confusion about his/her own worth. Be sure you do not
unknowingly do to your child what well may have been done to you.
Be careful not to help your child look for ways to skirt responsibility.
Children must be taught to accept responsibility for their own behavior. Be
very careful that you are not the chronic rescuer. If your child learns that
he/she WILL experience the fruits of his behavior both good and bad - your
child will learn to be thoughtful and responsible. If your child learns that no
matter what he/she does, you will swoop in to rescue, your child will learn to
disregard rules, scoff at society and push the limits of societal norms in ways
that can be harming to all.
Too many time parents find children's behavior upsetting and get into
arguments. There is nothing to argue about. Using violence or death is an
unacceptable theme for a school project. If your child is doing this, talk to
your child. Work to understand your child's thinking in this. Meet with school
counselors. Keep an eye on her/his behavior.
Victims of bullying are potential perpetrators of bullying. They are also very much at risk for
depression, and self-harm.
Pay attention to what your child has to say. Careful attention. This is
not a feeling to be dismissed. It is hurtful and unfair for your child to have
to fend for him/herself. Bullies can be dismissive and quite cruel. While you
understand that bullies are also children struggling with their own self-esteem
issues, don't help the bully to harm your child by attempting to diminish the
hurtfulness of the bullying behavior when talking to your child. Don't try to
handle this on your own. Meet with the principal. Meet with whomever you
believe appropriate at the school. Recognize that your child needs a feeling of
safety while at the same time helping your child to see that bullying behavior
does not get rewarded with silence from his/her victims.
POST
SCRIPT
A society can create violent children. It will take a society to heal the
children who have violent thoughts and behaviors. It will take the efforts of
us all working very hard to teach children and each other that violence is
neither funny or powerful or useful.
Violence kills.
Death is permanent.
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