Done It Again?
ARE YOU IN A VICIOUS CYCLE?
DO YOU HAVE ONE BAD RELATIONSHIP AFTER ANOTHER?
IS IT TIME TO STOP?
You have done it again haven't you? Another bad choice! Another bad relationship! Another relationship that you had to let go or run the risk of loosing your mind, your sanity, your self.
You look in the mirror. You check your hair, your face, your profile, and your clothes. You are thinking it is the other folks. All those people who actively seek to steal your smile. But then, for a tiny moment, you start to wonder. Against your better judgment you ask, "Is it me?"
You check your back to make sure the "DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE ONLY NEED APPLY" sign is not showing. You do not see it, but you are sure it is there. It must be! Why else would you be so skilled at letting the wrong people into your life?
You take the plunge. You decide to consider that you might, in fact, be the master of your own life. You decide to try on the notion that maybe you do have choices in your life. Maybe you do have the power to impact on your own dreams. Maybe you can pay attention to you and not just the other person. Maybe, just maybe, the time for you to notice and embrace your own power is here.
And…well…maybe not. Just as you were getting used to the notion of a more powerful you, a you with choices, you started thinking about you as taking responsibility for your own behaviors and your own choices. You started looking at your own values and how your values had impact on your life, if you chose to honor those values. And then you started thinking that in accepting the power you own, you needed to accept the responsibility you own.
Oops!
Never mind!
You choose to resume your view of being hopeless, helpless and without choice power in your life.
Maybe you are doomed to always be afloat in a sea of rotten people. Maybe there are only rotten people in the world!? Maybe it is not you. Surely it is them! Maybe the whole world is no good and you are the helpless, hopeless pawn.
Let’s see now, last time you dated someone, making time for the relationship seemed to be a hardship. And then there was the one before who thought you should always pay for everything because…well…because… Don’t forget the one who thought that being married was just a minor glitch that should not concern you. The time before it was the one who could never give you a straight answer about anything. (Including the home telephone number.) The time before it was someone who just wanted to “be friends”.
The time before that, "not ready to commit” after 6 years… The time before that you had a non-talker who always blamed you for wanting communications….
And the time before that... And the time before that... And the time...
You have talked to your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers and your self! You have finally sorted it all out. You are doomed. That’s it. It is that simple. It is that irrevocable.
Or maybe not…
Maybe you have been looking in all the wrong places. Maybe you need to take a break from the socials, the bars, the chat-rooms, the personals, the matchmakers, the friends and family all desperate to link you with the person to whom you are desperate to be linked.
Maybe you need to look within. What are you doing with your life? What are you looking for in your world? What is important to you? If you were doing the choosing (and you are, you know) what kind of person would you invite into your life?
The notion of power and choice is interesting. It suggests many things. Many truths. Some you may like a lot, some you may like a little. Look at it this way… if everyone else is to blame, you have no say in you own life. You also have no liability. But if you are the one with choice power…you can choose “yes” or you can choose “no.” Think of it! The ability to choose! And the responsibility for accepting responsibility.
You choose.
Do you choose powerless and no rights and no responsibility? Or do you choose powerful with full rights and responsibility? One is freedom. One is quicksand.
Stop settling for the person you do not want! If you have given some thought to the kind of people you would like in your life, the kind of man or woman you want in your life should be less difficult to spot.
Examine your last four significant relationships. How were they the same? Was it them? The way you felt? Did you have a sense of desperation? Did they quickly promise you everything? Did you have a "funny feeling" after a while, that continued to happen and that you continued to ignore? Look for the similarities. And then look within. When did you stop caring about yourself? When did you start settling? When did you loose sight of your goals? When did you decide that it was OK to let someone else treat you disrespectfully?
What do the men and women you have allowed in your life have in common? What do the relationships have in common? What similar feelings do you have at the end of the relationships? What similar issues come up during the course of the relationships? What similar needs get met? What similar needs are left unmet? What do you typically say to yourself about yourself? If you really look at the relationships – you are likely to find that there is a pattern of disappointments and experiences that string them all together. What does this pattern suggest to you? If you saw your friend in this kind of pattern, what would you then know about your friend? What would you say about your friend? What would you say to your friend? What would you want your friend to know?
Isn’t it interesting what different choices we tend to make between the women friends we treasure and the men friends we try to treasure?
The only way to stop the cycle is to know the cycle. When you see what you do...then you can make the conscious choice to do something different. Try it! You might be empowered by it!
Want to learn more? Order Relationships In Progress - A Pocket Guide to Creating A Healthy Relationship With Yourself and For Yourself and Relationship Red Flags both by Dr. Pamela Brewer. Go to www.amazon.com and type in “Pamela Brewer” for a complete listing of relationship self-help materials.