Dialogue
CO-COMMUNICATOR'S DIALOGUE
THERE ARE THREE REASONS WHY ONE MIGHT WANT TO HAVE
A CO-COMMUNICATOR'S DIALOGUE: *
You want to be listened to and understood.
You are upset about something and want to discuss the feelings.
You want to discuss a topic that you think might be "touchy." The one who wants to send a message (the SENDER) must take the initiative and say:
"I would like to have a Co-Communicator's Dialogue.** Is now okay?"
The other person (the RECEIVER) must agree to listen without interruption. After the sender has finished speaking, the other person (the RECEIVER) responds, saying:
Mirroring:
a) "What I heard you say is …"
b) "Am I mirroring you accurately?"
c) "Is there anything more you would like to say?"
Validation: "You make sense, because …": "You make sense, because …"
The words "You make sense" must be said. It is important to add the "Because" - it forces you both to acknowledge your genuine attempts to see another view. You must state the "sense" that you heard. You may want to preface it with something like: "I am listening to you carefully and I understand what you are saying": Don’t forget … you must say the sentence "You make sense, because…" The process of validation does not imply that you agree with what you have heard simply that given your partner's views/feelings what your partner reported to you makes sense.
Empathy: "I imagine you might be feeling" or "I imagine you might have felt…" This is the process of building on your understanding of your partner's view.
At this point you must make some guesses as to what the SENDER is or was feeling. Feelings are stated in one word (i.e.: angry, confused, sad, upset, etc.). If your guess entails more than one word, it is probably a thought ("You feel that you don’t want to go out with me." - this is a thought and not a feeling). One never knows for sure what another person is feeling. Therefore, check out your gut instinct by saying: "Is that what you are/were feeling?"
When the SENDER shares with you other feelings, mirror back what you have heard.
Then inquire:
"Are there any other feelings you are having?"
Mirror what is said.
When you have gone through all three parts (Mirroring, Validation and Empathy) and then say : "I would like to respond now."**
Then switch and the RECEIVER becomes the SENDER. **
*This is an excellent format for friends, colleagues, parents and children … any two people who are interested in achieving enhanced communications between each other.
**The SENDER/RECEIVER must limit his/her dialogue to short, focused commentary. This is not the time to be accusatory or confrontational. This is an opportunity to express a feeling or a concern or a thought. The goal is to communicate. Limit each interaction.
Do not attempt to address more than one issue at one time.
Remember that the goal with validation is to take a moment, put yourself in your co-communicator's shoes and understand his/her view. You do not have to agree, but you must work very hard to understand. Remember the goal of this exercise - it is to communicate effectively. Effective communications does not equate with agreement. It does equate with communications. When you can understand your co-communicator's perspective, it often helps to reduce the anger and tension between communicators.