PARENTING
THE CHILD WHO DRINKS
by Pamela Brewer
Parenting is perhaps one of the most difficult roles many of us will shoulder. Despite all the advice from all the books and experts parenting remains a difficult, multi-faceted journey. Too often when a parent falters along the road - denial and self blame become familiar signposts. When a parent learns that her/his child is involved in something damaging or dangerous, it is not uncommon for a parent to blame him/herself. When a parent struggles with self-blame, depending on how far this goes; both parent and child can be harmed. The parent who determines that the child's behavior is "caused" solely and exclusively by the parent can begin to do several harmful things:
· The parent can become consumed with self-imposed guilt. Self-imposed guilt can become exhausting and blinding. A parent in this state can begin to lose sight of an important focus - the needs of the child.
· A parent who begins to be controlled by his/her sense of guilt can find it hard to gather the emotional and verbal resources to help the child.
· Because this parent may be so attuned to her/his own feelings of guilt, they may manifest themselves in the interactions with the child as either apathy or anger. Neither is useful for either.
Despite the protestations of your child, as a parent, it is important that you set limits with your child and maintain the limits you sent. Chores, curfews, interacting with your child?s teachers, friends and parents of friends are all important tasks of parenting. Trying to be your child's "friend" is not necessarily useful to either of you. You want to work to build a positive relationship with your child, one in which your child knows that you are safe to talk to and will listen to whatever she/he has to say. The knowledge that each person has choices and is ultimately responsible for handling those choices responsibly is one of the greatest gifts you can share with your child. It is important to allow your child to learn and experience the positives and negatives of his/her own decision making. On the other hand, it is important for you and your child to remember that your child is not an adult - and there are some decisions your child is not capable of making. It is a balancing act to be sure!
Many parents wonder about the timing of talking to their children about the difficult concepts of life. While this has to be an individual decision and handled in age appropriate ways, when your child brings these topics to you, it is important to use the opportunity to respond. It is critical that you and your child have conversations about drugs, sex, alcohol, appropriate behavior as you define it, and being responsible for self.
For many parents, the thought of a child of theirs having a drinking problem is a sheer impossibility. These parents and these children are often quite vulnerable to many things including the disease of alcoholism. Because your child is affected by you, the environment you provide at home and the rest of the world, you can not console yourself in the erroneous cocoon of "we come from a loving home" or "it will never happen here" or "we are not those sort of people" or "my child would never do something like that" or any of the other stories you may offer yourself to feel protected. Your child is your child and also a separate human being.
Here are some of the behaviors that may suggest your child is using:
Changes in behavior.
Changes in attitudes.
Changes in daily living activities.
Changes in choice of friends.
Changes in school performance.
Changes in physical appearance including weight loss and red eyes.
Speak with your child, the school counselor, your child's physician; anyone you believe can be helpful. Focus on your child. If you learn that your child is using, seek professional help for your child. Do not ignore any signs of potential drug use. If your child is "just holding it for a friend" there's a problem. If your child "just tried it once" there is a problem. While it is important not to get stuck in blaming yourself as the parent, it is also critical that you take your parenting tasks seriously and work with your child and get your child into treatment if necessary.
Role modeling is also important. Your child really does learn by your example. Be honest with yourself Do you have a drinking/drug problem? If you do, getting help is the best thing you can do for you both.
Remember to:
Communicate with your child daily.
Communicate your views and wishes regarding your child?s behavior.
Praise your child for a job well done - including having a difficult conversation with you!
Set limits with your child. Let your child know what the house rules are and be sure that you honor the rules you establish.
Remember to love yourself and your child.
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