Violence
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE…
IS NOT ABLE TO LOVE YOU
Perhaps one of the scariest realities we deal with in "modern" society is the reality that if you are a woman the person the most likely to assault you – is the person you date; the person you love; the person you "know". And the notion that the abuser is so overcome with love and jealousy that violence becomes the only option is simply, NONSENSE!
If you love someone, you do not hit them. You do not threaten them. You do not abuse them in any way. And yes, these things happen all the time but that is the problem, not the cure. That "these things happen all the time" is not to say that we should therefore make them acceptable – because they are not acceptable. If you are being hurt, if you are frightened of your partner or your parent, pay attention to your fear and reach out for non-judgmental help.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, on average, approximately 1.8 million women are severely assaulted each year by a male partner/cohabitant. These numbers are NOT based on reports from everyone who is being harmed. These numbers are based on the approximately 10% of the people being harmed who are reporting. Even as you think about the reported numbers, the number of lives being harmed is staggering. When you consider how many more people are not reporting, are not getting help – the numbers are more almost incomprehensible. But take a moment and try to comprehend. Women are being slapped, punched, raped, kicked, choked, beaten, stalked, threatened with harm to themselves, their children, their property, their pets, their parents, their friends. Women are learning to be afraid to answer the phone and not answer the phone. Women are being trained to blame themselves for someone else’s behavior and to think that if they were/ weren’t doing one thing or another – they would not be harmed. Women and men are being taught that men have no choice over their violent actions and that women are to blame for the illegal behavior of their abuser. Women are being taught to second guess every thought, every action, every hope, and every dream…at the hands of men who would harm them in a sad and violent attempt to maintain control.
Now this is not to say that men are not also victims of abuse because they are. And when men are abused, they, like women often do not tell. For many of the same reasons women do not tell: Feelings of guilt "I must have caused it", blame, "It’s all my fault," shame, "What will people think of me," etc. However, the vast majority of domestic victims are women – and thus the focus on women. (According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 95 – 98% of victims are women.) However, let’s be very, very clear about this – violence of any kind; towards any person is unacceptable.
Domestic violence is not limited to a particular race, gender, religion, culture, sexual lifestyle, economic achievement or the lack thereof, educational achievement or the lack thereof, professional achievement or community standing or the lack thereof. In short, domestic violence can affect all people no matter who they are where they are. Just as many women with multiple children and limited income and women with adult children or no children and substance incomes can be victims of domestic violence or perpetrators of violence. Men who consider themselves to have achieved or not achieved can be victims of violence and perpetrators of violence. Small children and adult children can be victims of violence and perpetrators of violence.
SOME EXAMPLES OF ABUSE...
Threats with/without a weapon apparent.
Stalking.
Assault with/without a weapon apparent.
Assault with/without bruises apparent. (Many abusers know where to hit so that injuries are not visible)
Rape.
Apparent withdrawal of financial / social / emotional options.
SOME OF THE OUTCOMES OF ABUSE...
Isolation
Loss of self-esteem.
Multiple medical treatments and/or hospitalization.
Disabling conditions including broken limbs and head injuries.
Impaired ability to relate to self/family and others.
Loss of life.
Children of abusive households grow to become abused or abusers themselves.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU BELIEVE
YOU MAY BE IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION.
Recognize that your life could be at severe risk, seek help now.
Recognize that you do not deserve this treatment.
Recognize there are many who have been in your situation.
Talk to supportive family and friends now.
You may need to leave your home for your safety and the safety of your children.
Do all you can to avoid any contact with your abuser right now – give yourself time to sort out your options and to determined what you feel is the most safe course of action for you to take.
Look into your legal options. A protection may be necessary.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE AN ABUSER
If you are feeling that you can not control yourself, right now, take a time out – walk away from the situation – try to calm down. If you do not, you are jeopardizing the lives of those you care about and you are jeopardizing your own life!
If drinking or drugging exacerbates your behavior, get help now!
Recognize that your behavior can stop and that you do have choices!
Accept responsibility for your own behavior.
You may need to be away from the person you hurt for a while – as you, with professional help, work on understanding and changing your responses to anger.
Seek professional help now.
RESOURCES
IF YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER - 911
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE 1-800-799-7233/ or 1-800-799-SAFE
Your local domestic violence program.
Your local women’s shelter.